Mini-Hiatus

To have a full-time hobby grew to be much more expensive than I originally planned. And my money supply is much more limited than I wish it would be.

So, what with the costs of film, processing, printing (myself or having it done), and/or Polaroid film I've slowed down somewhat.

I think I have a handful of Polaroids that I should probably scan and share. Hopefully I'll get around to it eventually.

Until then, I'm still on the lookout for a light-weight 35mm camera that has a look that inspires me (picture taking look, not just physical look) so I can take more pictures for cheaper with a much faster process time. 120 film was wearin' me down.

So, until my next scan, stay tuned and we'll see how this all develops.

Slacking

I've been a terrible routine blogger.

The problem/hassle is scanning pictures.

I don't yet have installed our scanner software/driver into my laptop, but it's on Adam's desktop.

But I prefer to edit them and post them via my laptop.

So in order to post here I have to round up the pictures, scan them in, email them to myself, open them up from my laptop, adjust the colors just a little, then upload them to my blogger album.

I've been keeping busy lately with heavy movie watching, painting, picture developing, and Polaroid taking.Oh, that and living life.

So, hopefully sooner rather than later, I've got something to put up here. You know, for my all of 1 viewer.

Club for Film Photographers

I feel like film photographers should have some sort of club. And when you're officially allowed to join it's like a school graduation.

"Yay! I can do it! I have something in common with these awesome photographers!"

I feel like it should imply special discounts, extra recognition, and instant friendship.

I guess that's as ridiculous as expecting to be accepted and liked by someone else because you're the same race.

Either way, I feel like I'm breaking into some sort of secret club. And I can't wait until I start feeling the perks, meeting the other members, and fully coming into my own as an honorary member.

I also feel like I need a new camera.

My bank doesn't support this cause. Neither do the other things needed that have been on the back burner. It also isn't an emergency even if I do feel like if I don't get something new I could die.

If there's anything I've learned it's that no matter the camera, it won't make your pictures any better. Too bad, because if I could buy a magical, awesome, do it all camera, I might. I might get one and then quickly discard it because I've grown to appreciate all my mistakes along the way. They're happy accidents. Maybe my start in toy photography taught me the skill (possibly seen as a flaw) of loving and accepting something that isn't perfect.

In my class I've noticed that everyone else constantly has the goal of perfection. They're angry at strange shadows, light leaks, a little bit of blur, the tiniest shade anomaly. Maybe that should be my goal because they're all much better than I am but I can't help but attach a little bit of love to the first messy couple of prints or test strips I make of a picture.

I'm still formulating ideas for what's supposed to be my first artistic photography series so I'll catch you up when I get there.

If anyone is in the San Francisco/Bay Area area and wants to volunteer as models, let me know!

Searching

There's just something about film and cameras that make my heart beat a little faster.

I've always been a girl of very varied interests. I don't like the term, "jack of all trades" but I think I could qualify for it. Being so spread in interests means that I can get a little excited about everything.

There have been few things that have really entwined itself around my heart though. Few things that, just at a glimpse, could make me feel like I couldn't breathe. Maybe this is all just veiled materialism but it feels deeper.

Seeing the grain and fuzz and physical presence of film makes me feel the same as yellowed old books that twist me into time, or a dance that lifts and spins. It hurts me. It makes me ache, ache for something more. Like my life is missing something.

It's this feeling that makes me feel like I shouldn't leave ignore the creative side of myself when considering a future career. I can't imagine being happy longterm going day in and day out without being able to use something of beauty. My life now oftentimes feels absolutely empty of beauty, empty of meaning, and empty of that breathless anticipation of loving something you're creating.

So, today I bought new film (too expensive film.) I'll let you know when it comes a-rumbling in.

Chemical Magic

World,

Are you ready?

It sounds a little crazy but... the high have of my day, my week, my month, hell maybe even my year has been tonight.

Tonight for the first time I printed the pictures I processed.

It's an indescribable feeling to see your images, your vision, your work and your effort come into fruition with a few shakes of a canister, some sizing adjustments, and a couple agitations.

This is my contact sheet from my first roll processed. Take note of the light leaks that start about mid-way. I don't QUITE know what it was, but I have a strong feeling it was because while winding I sort of broke the camera winder. I hope that's all it was (I've fixed it since then). I have to develop another roll to be sure and/or determine if I just have a broken camera. I'll consider it a happy accident for now given that no awesome pictures were ruined.

And now....

Are you ready for it?

I couldn't even contain myself during class. Laughing at my dog over and over everytime I looked at it.

World, welcome my very first completely processed and printed picture by me: Sydney

I am absolutely breathless with anticipation for the possibilities of what can be created. For the magic.

All Aflash and Aglow and Full of Wonder -- Spinning

(Diana, Barcelona, Spain)

This morning, on a complete high from last night's film processing excitement, all I could think about was film, film, film. I felt like I was... happy. Strange, I know. I felt like throwing a parade. And everyone who knows me knows that there is little more that I love more than a parade.

Work brought crashing back down to earth just a little though.

But I refuse to let it bring me down too much.

Future photography plans:

• Take as many photographs today and tomorrow as possible.
• Get some practice processing Wednesday or Thursday
• Take even more pictures over the weekend! (Camping!)
• Try to fit in processing them on Monday before class.
• Finish my B&W I class

I'm currently debating whether I should take B&W II next, and further develop (ha ha, develop) this skill set before I move on, or if I should take Color I, where I know I'll ultimately head.

I am absolutely enthralled. Which is new for me. New, different, and such a good thing. A breath of fresh air.

Grappling in the Dark

Today I completely processed, on my own, my very first roll of film.

This is a big deal for me.

First off, I processed black &white 35mm.

I am overwhelmingly proud of myself and unquantifiably excited. It's like a whole new world has opened up!

I can't wait to shoot off just about  half a million pictures in the next month that I get full lab access.

Growing. That's what I'm doing. Learning.

In the Shadow of a Behemoth

I find photography a thousand times intimidating.

I see pictures of the most beautiful type of the most beautiful things so often, my breath is taken so often, I feel like I'll never see things as beautiful as that, I'll never be in places as beautiful as that, I'll never create anything as beautiful as that, let alone capturing any of that in pictures as beautiful as that.

In a world where everyone can have a camera and everyone can use the instant power of the digital to see the art around them, to find that creativity inside of them, it's terribly difficult to feel like one will ever belong, let alone stand out.

I'm terribly intimidated.

It feels like ground zero, while most people my age have already created at least a slightly sturdy foundation. I haven't even decided anything in my life let alone begun building.

I am constantly so astounded by the work of photographic artists that I am intimidated to even casually and as a hobby take pictures.

I try to tell myself that everyone has once been a beginner. And everyone must start somewhere. And better I start now, a little later, than start later, when it's even... later.

But tonight? Tonight will be the first day of the rest of my life. And the first real step into this journey.

I'm nervous, excited, a little scared, really intimidated, and I could probably throw up.

More on this later. Plus pictures.

Beginnings

I had really bad vision as a kid. Everyone in my family wore glasses so I might have even been half lying when I told them I had vision problems. I wanted glasses but I wasn’t quite convinced that I needed them. Almost decade after my first Mickey Mouse pair that I picked out (and my mom let me purchase even though it surpassed the vision plan allowance) that I lied about a month or two later, saying they were lost, and knowing full well that I hid them under my bed, I still refused to accept it. Maybe life was meant to be this blurry, this doubled and this strange. I was soft focused.


Just before the big Urban Outfitters and flickr / tumblr craze hit I found Toy Photography. And it felt like magic. It felt like it was the way all photography should be. Full of light, a little blurred – soft.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I don’t call myself or consider myself a photographer. Not even just “an amateur photographer.” I’m not there yet. I’m not so big headed. I see that anyone with a couple hundred bucks and the internet can call their pictures art. I don’t want to be that. As much as I wish I were, I’m no artist. I’m a hobbyist, really. I’m not looking to become a professional blogger or barely even a professional photographer. I’m just sharing, really. Hobby sharing.

I’m 23, I’ve got a bachelor’s degree, and I work for my family in a pretty dead end job that I feel obligated to keep. It’s not a stretch to say that I’m lost. I’m floundering. Drowning.

So, this past New Year’s Eve I made a resolution:

I would find my calling. I would begin more hobbies than I’ve ever had. I would continue old hobbies that I’ve neglected. I would find the small thing that would ground me.

So this blog and this project is trying to delve a little deeper into this. Something that I love, something that makes my heart beat a little faster, something that will one day, maybe just one day, be the way my life was meant to be.

I'm going to try and have the following:

• Picture posts daily
• Camera reviews
• Picture adventure stories
• Camera purchase adventures
• Photography class entries
• and my general learning-growing experience.

Wish me luck!