Searching

There's just something about film and cameras that make my heart beat a little faster.

I've always been a girl of very varied interests. I don't like the term, "jack of all trades" but I think I could qualify for it. Being so spread in interests means that I can get a little excited about everything.

There have been few things that have really entwined itself around my heart though. Few things that, just at a glimpse, could make me feel like I couldn't breathe. Maybe this is all just veiled materialism but it feels deeper.

Seeing the grain and fuzz and physical presence of film makes me feel the same as yellowed old books that twist me into time, or a dance that lifts and spins. It hurts me. It makes me ache, ache for something more. Like my life is missing something.

It's this feeling that makes me feel like I shouldn't leave ignore the creative side of myself when considering a future career. I can't imagine being happy longterm going day in and day out without being able to use something of beauty. My life now oftentimes feels absolutely empty of beauty, empty of meaning, and empty of that breathless anticipation of loving something you're creating.

So, today I bought new film (too expensive film.) I'll let you know when it comes a-rumbling in.